Back There
by The Fangs of a Girl
Summary: Craig and Ellie are engaged and happy. They have a dog, an apartment, and well, Craig is famous. But what really happened back in rehab that's making Ellie and Craig fight again? Chapter 9 now up!
1. Future

**Obviously I don't own Degrassi! But anyway...**

Plot: Craig and Ellie are engaged and happy. And then the press gets wild with his rehab stories. But what really happened back there? Craig won't tell Ellie anything, and a fight ensues.

Enjoy!

**Chapter 1: Future**

"Okay, left. No, left, man!" Mickey just looked at me as the cab driver turned left and he slammed into my side. I glared at the cab driver's shoulder, wanting to scream at him to watch the fucking road. Mickey slid back onto the end of the seat, apologizing with his eyes. I shrugged and leaned back, looking out the window. The cab driver slammed on his brakes and I lurched forward. My sunglasses flew off my face, stabbing the dashboard. I quickly reached over, handed the guy his money and grabbed my glasses.

"There's extra in there for the crack on the dashboard. Have a nice day." I stepped out of the cab, Mickey following me. I stuffed one hand into my back pocket and tried to hide my face. Mickey walked along beside me, trying to keep up with my hurried pace.

"I fucking hate walking around in New York. Fucking ridiculous." I started jogging over to the building doors. He started walking over to keep up with me, almost out of breath.

"Um…. Sir… Am I calling you sir?" Mickey nervously asked me. I shrugged, "Whatever.", and he continued, "Why are we in such a rush? I mean, the meeting's not for another twenty minutes." I nodded.

"Where's room 52?" I asked the secretary as we walked into the building. She cleared her throat, "That room is off-limits. A very import…" I handed her my ID and moved my sunglasses down. She nodded and led me to the room, Mickey following us obediently.

I slammed open the door, reluctantly stepping into the room, Mickey in front of me. I slammed it closed again and threw my sunglasses off of my face; they landed on the table in front of me. I leaned forward, putting my elbows on the desk, rubbing my temples with my fingertips.

"Mr. Manning?" I looked up sharply.

"Oh… I'm here, aren't I?" I laughed and stood up, taking off my cap, "Sorry. New York is rough on my head." The woman smiled at my pathetic joke and I laughed again, out of habit.

"Are we going to start this thing?" I asked, sitting down in the chair closest to me. I noticed Mickey was sitting next to the woman across from me. I sighed, fiddling with my cap. The woman nodded and pulled out a file.

"How's your girlfriend?" she asked, the question that made me smile.

"Fiancée." I corrected her and she nodded, almost half-apology. I smiled and she continued, "How is your _fiancée_?" I grinned.

"She's good. But that's not what we're here for is it?" She nodded at my request to get the real stuff started.

"You'll be flying to Los Angeles, correct?" I nodded.

"And you are going to talk to the record company about re-signing your contract?" Another nod.

"What about the past?" I looked at her strangely for the last question. Slowly, I cocked my head at the thought. Then I decided to mess with her mind.

"What about it?" I raised an eyebrow, my eyes confused. She stuttered, not quite sure what to say.

"Uh… are-are you going to, um, discuss… previous issues in your life with the p-press in Los Angeles?" I grinned and she seemed to relax a bit.

"Which part?" I said, looking down at the frame of my sunglasses. I looked back up again, "The drugs… the sex… or the rock and roll?" She looked at me, silent for a few minutes. I sat up in my chair.

"No… no past talk with the press." She sighed in relief and continued her questions, "And the benefit for breast cancer is the 15th, correct?" I nodded, "I bet you want to know why I'm playing there?" She smiled at my psychic abilities of the news-hounds.

"Breast cancer killed my mother." I stopped there. I hated doing this, but I'd have no sympathy in my career, no depth, just albums. She nodded and almost wrote that down. I stopped her hand from moving across the paper.

"Don't—do that… for me, please." She agreed solemnly as I pulled out my wallet. She looked confused as I pulled out a small medical packet. I ripped it open with my teeth, poured the three bright red pills into my hand, took a water bottle out from my backpack and swallowed the pills, one by one. I leaned back into the chair, and then looked up. Mickey's jaw was on the floor and the reporter just stared at me, her eyes wide open.

"No… I'm not on drugs." I answered their mental question. The woman shook her head.

"I didn't say you were. That was… um… surprising, though, Mr. Manning." Her hands shook and I smiled.

"It's Craig. Call me Craig." She nodded, another almost apology, "And… do you mind if I ask what the medication was for?" she smiled and I nodded.

"I'm bipolar. The rumors are true." I nodded and stood, "I'm gonna go feed my dog. And go drink a beer. And… yeah." That's how I left. Just stood up, walked away and called a cab. My second cab ride of the day, _I need a car. _

I stood there, waiting for the cab, I didn't know what to do, my cap was on backwards this time, a little of my face showing. A girl stopped and kind of looked at me. I nodded at her, trying to keep my profile low.

"Are you Craig Manning?" she asked incredulously. I took off my cap and sunglasses.

"Might as well show myself now." I smiled, "Yeah. I'm Craig." She burst into a grin and hugged me.

"Wow! Ohmigod! I love your music soooooo much! Paula, Kimberly, come here! It's Craig Manning!" she shouted, waving to two girls. I laughed and my head turned the other way, my neck cramping up. I bounced on my heels, ready to run, though after rehab, running was still a little problem. My leg muscles were messed up beyond belief. The three girls circled me, their voices high and loud. I knew they were happy, I loved their enthusiasm, but I was trapped.

One of the girls, Paula, I think, shoved a shoe in my face and I pulled out my emergency Sharpie, signing it. Then, I saw a textbook; a piece of paper, a notebook, a packet of guitar strings, one of my CDs, a songbook- they made songbooks now? - everything for me to sign. I'd done the worst possible thing—attracted a crowd. The white and purple cab honked at me, and I practically jumped over the people to get to the car.

"18th! Please, hurry!" I put my disguise back on, cursing myself, "Who am I, John freakin' Lennon?" The driver scattered along the city streets, then stopped at my apartment building. I ran out of the taxi, paying the guy through the window and running up to my apartment, my legs stinging. I opened the door with my key that swung around my neck and shut the door gently as I went inside. The red haired girl that stood in front of me, mad, startled me.

"Craig Jacob, where were you? Marco had a meltdown!" Ellie glared at me, "Did you get attacked or something?" Then she noticed the cut on my head I got trying to get to my cab.

"Why are you bleeding, babe?" she asked, taking some of it off with her thumb. I smiled and kissed her.

"Nice to see you too, Ellie." I walked past her into the kitchen, "I bombed the interview. I felt so weird down there." I took a washcloth, ran it under the water in the sink and put it up to my head. I took one look into the living room, my boxer lying on the couch, asleep on Marco's legs. I smiled.

"Sammy likes your gay friend." I took Ellie's hand and showed her the dog. Ellie laughed and pressed the washcloth deeper into my cut.

"Ouch." I laughed and leaned down to kiss her. She stopped me, her fingers on my lips.

"No… Sammy will cry." She laughed at me and I kissed her anyway. She started cracking up and Marco jolted awake.

"What just happened?" he yelled groggily. That got me laughing, and I dropped onto the ground, Sammy running over, licking my face.

"Sam, I'm not a freaking plate!" I laughed and wrestled the dog to the ground, "And now you're mine." Ellie laughed as I played with the dog, his tail wagging out of control. I got tired and lay back into the kitchen counter.

"God, this place sucks!" I laughed, meaning my apartment, "Two hit albums and I can't even get a good apartment!" Ellie laughed, "Nooo… I love it here! It's homey." She walked over to me and kissed me again, and the usual make-out started. I laughed when Marco started fake gagging behind Ellie, though Ellie couldn't stand it.

"Oh you're just jealous." Ellie laughed, "Jealous that he's straight!" Ellie grinned and I nuzzled her face.

"I think he wants you, Craig." Ellie said suggestively and I backed away from Marco jokingly. The phone rang and Craig picked it up, still laughing.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Craig?"

"This is Craig, who's this?"

"This is Laura, from the Serenity House Drug & Alcohol Treatment Centre, down in Calgary."

"Oh… hi, Laura. What's up?"

"We need you at the courthouse this Friday."

"For… for Michael.. the Michael case?" My voice was hushed now, I couldn't let Ellie hear.

"Yes. Michael will be there too. Are you okay, Craig?" I started coughing a little and I said yes, then hung up. It was all coming back to me now. Four years after rehab, and the scars still hurt. Why was he bringing it up now? The scars, the stealing, the injuries. Why now, when I was feeling better?

"_My guitar."_ And the memories hurt my head still. I dragged my fingertips down the scar on my right arm. Ellie went over to me, but my eyes were still closed. She kissed me lightly.

"I know it hurts. I told them to call you." I nodded and leaned into her shoulders, hugging her pathetically, "He stole my guitar."


	2. Slurring Again

**I don't own Degrassi. I love drunk people! Hehe.**

* * *

"Last Friday, Craig Manning, the infamous and talented rock star was at a court hearing for a mysterious legal case, involving the Serenity House Drug & Alcohol Treatment Centre and a man named Michael Spitzer, who is currently under the care of the Calgary Correctional Facility. A witness and fan at the hearing said that Manning was very shy and nervous, barely showing his face. The witness overheard that there was an attack on Manning by Spitzer at the centre, but no ideas why or when. More news on Manning, as the courthouse visits continue."

I had to shut off that damn woman on the TV, I felt like my eyes were burning into my skull. I hadn't been out of the apartment for a while now and I had the worst headache of my life. Ellie unlocked the apartment door, the light from the hallway making my headache even worse. I groaned and leaned back. She kissed my forehead and set the groceries on the kitchen counter.

"Hey, Craig, you feeling better?" she asked. She walked back into the kitchen, starting to put the groceries away. She tapped her foot, waiting for an answer.

"Can you leave this place for like… two seconds… for once, Craig? Craig? Are you alive in there? It's a nice day out." She pathetically tried to get my lazy out the door. I shook my head and mumbled, "No way." She sighed impatiently, laughed and slapped my face angrily.

"What the hell, Ellie!" I stood up, holding my stinging face, "What's your problem?" I turned to her and she laughed, bitterly and full of hatred.

"Two days Craig since you've called me at work! You haven't picked up your guitar! You haven't tried to have sex with me for two days! What's _your_ problem?" she yelled at me. I stared at her, "You don't know… you just don't." Ellie took my wrist and looked straight in my eyes.

"Tell me... What happened back there?" Her voice was shaking, tears rolling down her face. I shook my head and my voice choked.

"It's not your business." I sighed and walked out the door of the apartment. Before I could get the chance to walk away, Ellie slammed me into a wall. My back crashed painfully, and I let out a long, loud wail.

"Yeah, that hurt! Listen to me, Rock Star! I don't care how many records you've sold, or how amazing your music is, or how painful rehab was, I am Ellie, _your_ Ellie! Don't you _dare_ talk to me like I'm the goddamn press! I love you, and I am risking everything I've ever had for you. Now tell me. What happened back there?" By then, I was crying, and that was never okay, I was the rock star, I couldn't do that, it made no sense to cry. She shook her head.

"You won't talk, will you?" I shook my head, unhappy and confused as I could possibly be. She pushed me, crying.

"You know, sometimes I don't know how I can possibly stand you." Anger, I could hear it ringing in my ears, "Just, leave, get out of here, I can't stand you lying anymore." And the slam of the door in my face hurt more than anything. And I decided to just get drunk.

* * *

It's weird when I get drunk, I usually go alone. But not this time, ohhh no. This time, I brought Marco. Which is kinda weird. I just stood there, chugging beer after beer after beer.

"Ya know, Marco. It's kinda Ellie how much I miss weird." I paused, moving back and forth, though I was standing in one place. I felt warm inside, but frustrated. I did miss her, more than I was letting on. Marco laughed at my drunken sentence and stood up, trying to keep my balance as he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, buddy, I know. It is kind of weird how much you miss the girl you love, huh?" He laughed and I grinned, chugged down my sixth beer and pointed to the bartender, shouting, "Gimme another one, man!" He shook his head.

"I've seen you drunk before Craig, and six is your limit!" I laughed at the tenders' response, and then the bipolar hit me like a fucking 200 pound rock. I leaned over the bar, my eyes glinting with anger.

"Get me another beer… or I'll sue this place so bad you couldn't afford a fucking pack of gum when I would be done with you," I whispered menacingly. My hands shook hard when he refused to get my drink. I tightened my fist, locking my body into place, and swung, right at the guys jaw. I was drunk off my ass, but I could still throw a punch. He landed on the floor, flying back, his chin bleeding.

Marco tried desperately to hold me back, and I jumped onto the bartender before he could even touch me, my fists possessed by the bipolar kid devil that I like to call me off my meds. The next thing I knew, there were sirens. Someone had called the police on me. Craig Manning: Rock Star and Psychopath. _I can see the headlines now_.


	3. Ultimatum

Wow, what a surprise, I'm hung-over, and not even in my own bed. And then the blare of a horn wakes me up, also intensifying my headache. I remember walking over to the window and shouting something… but I don't really remember what I said, maybe something like, "TURN OFF THAT FUCKING HORN!" I don't know…. Something with the f word in it. And then the next thing I know, Ellie's at the door and Marco answers it. She goes over to me, poor little me, slumped over the kitchen counter, sipping coffee miserably.

"You little _idiot!_ Drunk?! You got _drunk_ last night?!" she yelled at me, while I winced from the hammer pounding in my head, "It's so amazing, Craig, how you can mess up our relationship, get drunk and _lie_ to me, all in one day!" When she was done screaming, I just sipped more of my coffee. She sat down next to me and I sighed, "So… engagement's off?" She turned to me and slapped me-hard.

"Imbecile," she muttered and I pretended not to hear it. I looked toward her and her cute little angry face. She shook her head and sighed, finally looking at me. I sipped at the mug of coffee.

"Fine…" Ellie sighed, "I'm going to give you two options." I nodded, waiting for the ultimatum. Ellie sighed again, "One: In LA, you let me into court and I leave you alone about what happened. Two: You tell me what happened back there and I don't have to go to court." I nodded, thinking. She looked worried.

"But either way, Craig, I love you, okay…. No matter what I hear about you, I love you," she blurted out. I smiled and nodded, "I know… But either way, you'll hear what happened to me." I sat there, thinking for a while and finally... I had decided. I turned to Ellie and spoke, "I think I should tell you."

She leaned up towards me and smiled, kissed me lovingly and nodded, "I love you Craig."


	4. The Truth

So here goes: me telling Ellie about rehab-----

"Michael was a recovering heroin addict from Philadelphia. He was mentally insane, but he was assigned as my roommate, crazies with crazies, I guess. He was pretty quiet, and very weird. I didn't say much to him, maybe good morning occasionally. He didn't say anything to me either, every day, just silently glaring. And one night… I woke up… and he… he was missing. Never a good sign, especially when doctors are rushing around to find him. I looked over towards my luggage and stuff and… my guitar was missing. And I knew… right there, immediately, he had stolen my guitar. I ran up to one of the nurses and I asked her where he took my guitar. And she wouldn't answer me. So… I sat up all night, worrying, and they finally caught him… outside of a liquor store… with a bunch of money in his pockets.

"They asked him where he got the money and he pointed to a pawn shop a few stores away and they interviewed the owner and he said that he had pawned away my guitar. So I flipped out… And he was taken away from my room. And they _finally_ put me back on my bipolar medication to get me to calm down.

"So Michael stopped talking to anyone… just laughing at the fact that he got me, he got to my core, the absolute thing that would make me go _insane_. He took my guitar and sold it… so I could never get it back. He was in solitary confinement and one day…. He somehow got out.

"He was really smart… now that he had gotten my attention, it was time for another plan. Something to scare me even more. So he somehow found a gun and a knife, and he went up to my room again… and he… woke me up.

"And he put the gun to my head and said that he would kill me… No matter what I tried to do, he would end up shooting me. So… my new roommate, Kenneth, he heard what Michael had said and he pressed the doctor call button. See, Michael thought that Kenneth was asleep. And when the doctors came busting in… He put the gun down and…

"He flipped me over and cut my arm… and my back with the knife. God… Ellie…. The guy tried to _literally_ kill me!" By the time I was finished telling my little story, Ellie had wet, sad tears in her eyes and she was clinging to my chest desperately. I stroked her head and kissed her forehead. She looked up at me, tears dripping down her face, "I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry for everything I said, I love you Craig… I'm so sorry." I hugged her and kissed her again, "It's okay… you wanted to know… and there you go… you deserved to know."


	5. Revealed

I slinked out of the pool, my arms lifting my body onto the hot cement. One of the great things about hotels are the pools. In rehab, I spent a lot of the time swimming, to help rebuild my washed-away-from-cocaine-usage muscles, and it worked… well some of the time. I was soaking wet, water dripping everywhere as I stood up and walked over to one of the pool chairs. I was finally in L.A, dealing with my contract and court. Marco, Sammy, Ellie and I had been living at the hotel for about two weeks.

I felt inconspicuous here, like I was invisible for once. Cameras weren't flashing in my face 24/7; I didn't have to hide myself or Ellie. We could be in love publicly now. Ellie came over to my chair and leaned over my dripping wet body. Court had been rough on me, but swimming—and Ellie—helped. I wanted the case to be over, and soon.

Ellie leaned down and I smiled at her, my face and hair wet, and she kissed me. Remember those cameras _not_ being in my face? Well, this is one of those moments where they were in my face.

"Craig! Craig look over here!" I heard someone shout. I turned, my arm over Ellie and there they were—the paparazzi. I waved politely and said, "Okay… you caught us. Guys, meet my fiancé, Ellie Nash. She's a journalist for the _Toronto Sun-Star_. The mysterious Ellie finally revealed." Damn did the press have a field day with that.


	6. Interview Us!

MusicLives! Magazine Presents: THE CUTEST COUPLE IS MUSIC (AND JOURNALISM)

**MusicLives!: So how did you two meet? **

**Craig Manning and Ellie Nash: **High school.

**ML!: Oh my god, you just said that in unison! **

**CM: **We have the same mind.

**EN: **He's a liar.

**CM:** And a copycat.

**ML!: So you've been together for four years now?**

**EN: **Yep and proud of it!

**ML!: What's your philosophy on relationships Ellie?**

**EN: **Just… make sure you're both happy.

**ML!: And you, Craig?**

**CM: **Don't go too fast and don't cheat.

**EN: **_With sarcasm_ Ha ha! You make me laugh!

**ML!: Why is that funny?**

**EN:** He was a player in high school.

**ML!: Who have you dated before Craig?**

**EN:** Marco del Rossi, Craig's lawyer. He's gay. _Laughs._ A guy named Sean, he's a mechanic. Um… Jesse Stefanovic. The actor. In college, he was the newspaper editor. And then it was Craig.

**ML!: Are you proud of his music?**

**EN:** Oh my god yes! He's amazingly talented!

**CM:** She puts me on a pedestal.

**EN:** You deserve it! He serenades me, what more could you want?

**ML!: What does Craig need more of?**

**EN:** Dignity. He's weird about everything!

**CM:** I am?

**EN:** Yes! Chill out babe! _They both laugh._

**ML!: Why do you call Ellie your life support?**

**CM:** She saves me from everything! She knows how to handle me. She never runs away when things get bad. She's always calming me down. She knows just what to say to make me feel better. She's too perfect.

**ML!: So how did the proposal play out? **

**EN:** It was sweet actually! We were like, about to pass out and he just turns to me and whispers, "Will you marry me?" I was _really_ tired so I had no idea what he has just said and when it really registered in my head and I was like, "What did you just say?!"

**CM:** I think you were really happy that I said that at all. I didn't even plan on saying that. It just kind of popped out.

**EN:** It was cute anyway! Spontaneity is always better, I think.

**CM:** We got a ring the next day.

**EN:** Then we freaked my mom out by making him propose in the middle of dinner at her house.

**CM:** Yeah, nice surprise, eh? Yeah, we're great to your mom. NOT!

**ML!: Speaking of parents, yours are a mystery Craig. **

**CM: **I don't like to talk about my past much but um… my parents are dead.

**EN:** Next subject please!

**ML!: So what happened with Michael Spitzer?**

**CM:** All I'm going to say is that he tried to kill me.

**EN: **And now he's in jail! Next subject please!

**ML!: Don't you usually have your lawyer with you for interviews?**

**CM:** Yeah, he's at a party.

**EN:** So I'm here. Acting as Marco.

**CM:** And you are really good at it.

**EN:** Thank you!

**ML!: When's the new album **_**Drowning**_** coming out?**

**CM:** I think by at least September. I'm really happy with it though. My first album _What I Know_ was never naïve Craig, you know? The sophomore album _Dead Therapy_ was really all about me getting over my addiction and the high I used to get. But, um… _Drowning_ is mainly about Ellie.

**EN:** Aww!

**ML!: Now I know you're probably not going to answer me, but… What exactly were you addicted to?**

**CM:** _To Ellie._ Should I tell him?

**EN:** Well what would Marco say?

**CM:** Well… now that people know more about Michael and that I was attacked in a rehab…

**EN:** Okay, so go for it babe!

**CM:** I was addicted to cocaine when I was 19.

**ML!: Wow, that's a heavy drug!**

**CM:** Yeah, well it's the music business. I mean look at Keith Richards, Jimmy Urine, Marilyn Manson, Johnny Cash, hell even Lindsay Lohan, she had a music career, and even a cocaine issue. So what, you know? I was young and stupid and I got over it.

**EN:** Yeah I know for a fact that he regrets doing the drugs, and I'm happy for him. Even more than that, I'm proud of him. He's been through so much, and now that we're engaged and his contract is fixed, it's great to see him smile and be happy.

**CM:** See! Life support!

**ML!: So speaking of the engagement, how long has it been since he proposed?**

**EN:** Five and a half months.

**CM:** You are quite specific.

**EN:** I'm a girl. I'm supposed to remember these kinds of things._Craig laughs._

**ML!: Ellie, what did you think of the rumors about Craig dating the actress Ellie Nouvelle?**

**EN:** Well we have the same initials. But, oh my god, it's pathetic the way that the press handled that one. They didn't even know each other!

**ML!: So how would you describe your style of music?**

**CM:** Oh... um... I don't know... I do a lot of stuff. I'm like... Emo meets Classic Rock meets ... I don't really know... um... I guess...

**EN:** He's got no dignity.

**CM:** What?

**EN:** Classic Rock, Emo, Metal, Punk! Get it together, Manning! _They laugh and kiss._

**ML!: How romantic is Craig?**

**EN:** He can cook, he can sing, he's great with kids! When I have a sh---y day, he's there for me, one hundred percent. I remember one night, my mom and I had a fight because my Dad was still in Iraq. Her father is in the Peace Corps. And I came home and I was crying my eyes out and Craig just hugged me and talked to me and he made me this amazing dinner and I fell asleep in his lap watching a movie and the next day it was like... completely forgotten that I fought with my mom. He tries really hard and he always does a good job of cheering people up.

**ML!: Sounds like he's a great boyfriend. **

**CM:** Fiancé.

**EN:** _Laughs._ You're so meticulous. But, yeah, yeah... he really cares. He's one hundred percent a good guy! He'll stop at nothing to make me happy, and I love that! Any girl would.

**ML!: So do you ever get jealous of the screaming Craig-groupies? **

**EN: **I have one thing to say to them: Don't even think about it. _They both laugh._

**CM: **She's protective of me.

**ML!: So do you love him?**

**EN: **More than I should!


	7. The List

**Chapter 7: The List**

_Drowning:_ Craig Manning's New Album

1. Forever

2. Drowning

3. Used to Be

4. I Hate Fights Like This

5. Whatever It Takes

6. Older Brother (Co-written by Angela Jeremiah)

7. Not Human

8. Gun

9. Silence

10. To My Mother

11. I Can't Wake Up

12. Spotlight

13. Now I Know

14. What Does This Mean?

15. It Took Me Three Times

16. Apologies


	8. Lyrical

**Forever **

**Produced by T. Quincy **

Will you talk to me?

You know I won't let you be

When you bring yourself to this

Could you hold my hand?

Make me understand

When you walk away

I think you'll never come back

I try to open up your eyes

And make you breathe again

But you had to break my heart that night

Don't you ever lie

To me again

Because we never fell in love that night

Because I don't know why you lied

Because it seems we always fight

Why do we try anymore?

And it's raining on my face

Drip out of my eyes

I can't stop to miss you tonight

_Chorus: _

_But I crawl _

_And I cry _

_And I never imagined you dying _

_And you broke my heart _

_Just to see if I could bleed _

_How do you feel now? _

I don't see you in the light

That I saw you before

Your eyes don't open a door anymore

Because the crack in my brain

Tells me you're not alive

Why can't the moon shine brighter tonight?

Because I'm scared of what you'll think

Every time I stare at you, you blink

Because I wish that we could fly

And my acceptance beats out your conception by a mile

_Chorus: _

_But I crawl _

_And I cry _

_And I never imagined you dying _

_And you broke my heart _

_Just to see if I could bleed _

_How do you feel now? _

**Drowning **

**Written and Produced by C. Manning **

I fly too close to the sun

I chase the whale on the run

But I'm…

I'm jumping' from mountains

And I'm jumping from skies

Try to realize my size

_Chorus: _

_What you feel when you see _

_Drowning in the sea _

_Drowning close to me _

_Ooooh _

I fly too close to the sun

I chase the whale on the run

But I'm…

I'm jumping' from mountains

And I'm jumping from skies

Try to realize my size

_Chorus: _

_What you say when you're me _

_What you feel when you see _

_Drowning in the sea _

_Drowning close to me _

Drowning close to me

**Used to Be **

**Produced by C. Thomas **

There she goes, our girl in red

I used to take her hand

And take her away

She used to be so innocent

What happened to that day?

It used to be, "Oh, no. Oh, well."

It used to take my breath away

I used to smile

Once in a while

But I don't remember when

So there she goes, our girl in red

We'll never know what she'll do

She's gotta run away

From me

So there she goes, our girl in red

She may be small

But so am I

At least I used to be

How did we end up like this?

When did it end, what did we miss?

We were there for everything

What happened back then?

I don't remember.

**I Hate Fights Like This **

**Written and Produced by C. Manning **

I'm a dog

I'm a pusher

I'm a player

I'm a freak

I'm an orphan

I'm a dumbass

Can you add more to the list of me?

And if it's too much to ask

I just want them all to go away.

Because the day that you talk to me

And my mind explodes

Can't ever seem to go away

And I just want to see

A day where no one

Gets left behind

Because a day

Full of me

Is a day of tragedy

I'm an addict

I'm an asshole

I'm a psycho

I'm unleashed

But that's just me

Can you add more to the list of me?

And if it's too much to ask

I just want them all to go away.

Because the day that you talk to me

And my mind explodes

Can't ever seem to go away

Some days the glass just gets

Too full

My back just falls onto the bed

Or whatever I want it to land on

Because the sun falls slowly

For me because I'm just a list.

Can you add more to the list of me?

And if it's too much to ask

I just want them all to go away.

Because the day that you talk to me

And my mind explodes

Can't ever seem to go away

I'm a list

That never, ever ends

But my days

Will always end the same

Going to bed with that

Pain growing in my head

Are you blind?

Can't you see my life is over?

Holding on

To the edge

Falls apart

Test scores say,

"You're a hundred percent

Gone crazy!"

Can you add more to the list of me?

And if it's too much to ask

I just want them all to go away.

Because the day that you talk to me

And my mind explodes

Can't ever seem to go away

I'm a failure

I'm a wackjob

I'm unleashed.

Add one more thing to the list of me.

I am me.

**Whatever It Takes **

**Produced by I. Caseley **

Whatever it takes

I know I can make it through

If I hold out

If I do

I know I can make it

Be the best

The best that I can be

Hear what I say to you

Whatever it takes

I can see it

I know I can make it

I know I know I

I know I can make it through

Be the best

The best that I can be

Hear what I say to you

Whatever it takes

I can see it

I know I can make it

I know I know I

I know I can make it through

Whatever it takes

I know I can make it through

**Older Brother **

**Written by C. Manning and A. Jeremiah **

**Produced by C. Manning **

Good morning,

Am I too late?

Seems like you're busy

I'll just be on my way

I close my eyes

Remember the days

You were my disguise

For what I couldn't say

I'm standing under your feet

Looking up at your world

Learning from your mistakes

Of my older brother

It's not important

Just wanted to talk

About the days when

She could hold up

Both of our heads

Yours and mine

I wonder if she's

Watching tonight

Just a little sister,

"All grown up"

Your little sister

You were right, it was

Hard to climb up

What little sister

Follows your feet

And makes you light up

I'm standing under your feet

Looking up at your world

Learning from your mistakes

Of my older brother

Just a little sister

Looking up in the sky

Can I hold on?

You always know why

I'm just a little sister

Can't you tell me why?

**Not Human **

**Produced by J. Moore **

It hurts to say this

But we're all alone

Mixed up, and scared to be on

Our own

You may think I'm an angel

But you're thinking wrong

Hard to believe I'm out here

On the road

When you think I should be in the sky

Oh, baby, this is the truth

_Chorus: _

_Yeah, I don't play the harp, _

_I just write the songs, _

_I'm not even gonna lie to you _

If you took all the people

Inside of the world

No one would be perfect

Like you

I can't even imagine life

Without you

I don't want to be bad

And lie anymore

You may think I'm your angel

Yeah, I don't play the harp,

I just write the songs

It's not fair to you if I lie

_Chorus: _

_Yeah, I don't play the harp, _

_I just write the songs, _

_I'm not even gonna lie to you _

**Gun **

**Produced by J. Moore**

Usually days like this

Make me feel like shit

Usually I'm not so sane

Usually the ground floats up

Instead of down

When you think it's over

It never really is

Some days I can't take

My eyes off the ground

It's like this burning pain

Crawls up to my head

I can't stop thinking

Right now

_Chorus:_

_It's the drugs that count _

_The days I shake my mind _

_I'm clean and I can swear _

_Not far away from here _

_If there is nothing else but this_

Your breath gets too low

And you can't find it now

Tips of wings touch your head

And you no longer know how

Keep your head on straight

No time to lose it now

I want to fly away

Just bring everything

Inside out

_Chorus:_

_It's the drugs that count_

_The days I shake my mind_

_I'm clean and I can swear_

_Not far away from here_

_If there is nothing else but this _

Darkness can bring me hope now

Sleep cannot heal

More than it can now

But I need to run away

Somewhere that I can trust the light

Trust everything

_Chorus:_

_It's the drugs that count _

_The days I shake my mind _

_I'm clean and I can swear _

_Not far away from here _

_If there is nothing else but this _

**Silence **

**Produced by A. Kauffman **

Someday I'd like to

See you feeling like the days

The sky is gray above your head

You feed the feelings of your own

And take them away, take them home.

There's so much under the leaves

Under days, so underneath

The trees will fly if you believe

Take the time to see

The eaves

Drinking past the new homes

_Chorus: _

_You open your eyes just _

_To feel the surprise _

_And it scares you. _

_Because the days you are finally _

_Going away, I'll being to _

_Speak as you _

Blue for water, life for death

Green for pens and grass and the steps

The steps it takes to leave.

You sleep for days and never wake.

You love but you can't shake your head.

_Chorus: _

_You open your eyes just _

_To feel the surprise _

_And it scares you. _

_Because the days you are finally _

_Going away, I'll being to _

_Speak as you _

**To My Mother **

**Produced by L. Davies **

She runs across the floor

Like nothing ever happens

She tells me I'm okay

When I cry in my sleep.

Sometimes I know it's not true

When I say she's still here

I want to believe

That she's still here

_Chorus: _

_She had to go _

_She had to leave me behind _

_She left us alone _

_We felt we couldn't survive _

_It hurts so much to be the same _

_I never hear you call my name _

_Never hear you call me babe _

_Never hear you tell me that _

_I'm the most handsome boy in the world _

_Because you're gone _

She was a mother,

A lover,

A daughter,

And a friend

She was the love of everybody's life

She was born, just in time

To save her mother's life

But couldn't live out her own

She held me in her arms

Told me she would be there forever

To help me out when things got bad

But the worst thing was that she was gone

And things were lost

And things were gained

And I held a purpose

In Angela's arms

What happened to her heart?

They say I look like you

They say I talk like you

They say I even act like you

No one can amount to you

Not even me

_Chorus: _

_She had to go _

_She had to leave me behind _

_She left us alone _

_We felt we couldn't survive _

_It hurts so much to be the same _

_I never hear you call my name _

_Never hear you call me babe _

_Never hear you tell me that _

_I'm the most handsome boy in the world _

_Because you're gone _

**I Can't Wake Up **

**Produced by C. Manning **

I take it down everyday

Try to stop from gagging

Like poison, but I know it helps

Go crazy

Rage falls apart

Medicated

Sedated

I go crazy

Without it.

Taken from experience

Don't want to risk it

Some days I feel

Sick

Some days I feel like

Shit

Past, present, future

Will I have a future?

Dumb question

Shut up!

Medicated

Sedated

It used to be

Worry, worry, worry

Leave, ignore

Go crazy

Leave

Worry, worry

Stop asking questions

Already!

Yes, I did

I go crazy

Without it.

Stop worrying

About it!

Now with you

It's-

"When you don't,

I'll know it."

And-

"Do you want something

To eat?"

After a while it's-

"So, what are you going

To do?"

Take it.

You hold me

Medicated

Sedated

Medicated

Sedated

You hold me

I go

I go

Crazy

Crazy

Without

You.

**Spotlight **

**Produced by T. Quincy **

It's like a spotlight, never ending

Burning sensation staring straight

Into your eyes

A constant headache that makes you feel

Unreal

You're underwater, swimming in your own

Sweat and alcohol

Breathing fire

Into your most

Flame-inducing fears

You can't stop shaking

And you want more

Of the snow that covers the roof of your mouth

You can't relax and

You feel like dying

Because you know the headache

That's bound to come in the morning

A spotlight that I don't

Want to be standing under

A flashlight that feels like it

Could go on forever

Burning my head wide open

It's like a spotlight, never ending

Burning sensation staring straight

Into your eyes

A constant headache that makes you feel

Unreal

And you seem to like it.

A spotlight that I don't

Want to be standing under

A flashlight that feels like it

Could go on forever

Burning my head wide open

Help me stop the bleeding.

Now I Know

Produced by J. Moore

I don't remember anything anymore

Sound is muted today

All I can feel is the pressure

Sometimes all I can say is, "I love you."

And sometimes I can't breathe around you,

And then I go back to the beginning

_Chorus: _

_Where are you tonight?  
Cause I'm not feeling alright. _

_And I don't know who I am. _

_I don't believe _

_I'm seeing things _

_I don't believe _

_I'm seeing things _

_And I don't know who I am _

Help me remember

If I can breathe

I've been holding it for way too long.

Sometimes I just want to scream

But I'm scared

That no one will sing along

I write the words

And catch my breath

And then I fall asleep

And I wish I was in your arms again

And I wish I could feel your heartbeat

And I wish I never saw your face.

It's nothing that I can handle

I held on too long.

What would you do if I fell off the edge?

Would you hold on and tell me it's gonna be fine.

Yeah, I almost fell off the edge…

And you weren't there.

What am I supposed to do?

I think I'm gonna die…

_Chorus: _

_Where are you tonight?  
Cause I'm not feeling alright. _

_And I don't know who I am. _

_I don't believe _

_I'm seeing things _

_I don't believe _

_I'm seeing things _

_And I don't know who I am _

_Hook: _

_Help me remember _

_If I can breathe _

_I've been holding it for way too long. _

_Sometimes I just want to scream _

_But I'm scared _

_That no one will sing along _

_Hook: _

_Help me remember _

_If I can breathe _

_I've been holding it for way too long. _

_Sometimes I just want to scream _

_But I'm scared _

_That no one will sing along _

**What Does This Mean? **

**Produced by C. Manning **

What does it mean when I try too hard?

What does it mean when I can't stop thinking?

What does it mean when my life is beginning

To look up

Right as I see you?

When I think everything is gone, gone to hell

I look at you, and everything seems to fit in place

Because nothing means as much to me as you

What does it mean when I can't decide?

What does it mean when my stomach feels like its on fire?

What does it mean when I can't breathe

As soon as

I see you?

When I think everything is gone, gone to hell

I look at you, and everything seems to fit in place

Because nothing means as much to me as you

I love you.

**It Took Me Three Times **

**Produced by T. Quincy **

Yes, I'm scared to talk to you

I don't think I ever can

It's like I'm just going crazy.

Who can tell me, everything's okay...

I know you can.

You keep me isolated

Our own little world

No one can crush

It's been so desolated

Without your face

Hell, I miss you

_Chorus: _

_What's it like to know you can change me in the blink of an eye? _

_What's it like to know just how to make me feel better? _

_What's it like to torture me inside? _

_Oh, what's it like... _

_To know me? _

You know just the words to say

You know all the little games I play

With other girls' hearts.

But no, you can change me

_Chorus: _

_What's it like to know you can change me in the blink of an eye? _

_What's it like to know just how to make me feel better? _

_What's it like to torture me inside? _

_Oh, what's it like... _

_To know me? _

You know everything I'm about to say.

And that feels great.

_Chorus: _

_What's it like to know you can change me in the blink of an eye? _

_What's it like to know just how to make me feel better? _

_What's it like to torture me inside? _

_Oh, what's it like... _

_To know me? _

Apologies

Produced by I. Caseley

_Chorus: _

_I'm sorry for being alone _

_I'm sorry for living on my own _

_I'm sorry that you had to leave _

_I'm sorry you both had to leave _

Walked around with your shadow

Over my shoulder

Watching me all the time

Heavy days

Sleepless nights

Bruises, blood and

Pain

Tearing from my

Head

He's sorry he hit me again

_Chorus: _

_I'm sorry for being alone _

_I'm sorry for living on my own _

_I'm sorry that you had to leave _

_I'm sorry you both had to leave _

Scared of knowing that you'll die

Scared of when you're gone

Oh, God will I survive

Sing that song

Day by day

Tears fall down of

Pain

And anger, hazed

Scared

She's sorry for being so sick

I'm sorry

They were sorry

I'm over it.

**All songs written by Craig Manning.**


	9. Radio

UNDERGROUND RADIO

A Musician's Life: Craig Manning

"_My name is Craig Manning and I am a singer, guitarist and songwriter."_

"_I do music because without it I think my life would be empty. It's the only real thing that I know how to do. I first found music when my mom one day was depressed and she was lying on the couch in our living room and she was listening to a Beatles record and all of a sudden I just started singing along to it. I think I was about five and my mom looked up at me and she just stared at me. She smiled I think for the first time all that day and I think she said something like, 'Craig, you've got such a sweet voice'. Something like that. My first instrument was the guitar. My mother played piano and sometimes she taught it, but that was all I knew. My uncle Justin was the guy who taught me to play guitar. So, Justin Ellis, thank you. I had no idea that music existed until I picked up a guitar. I was visiting my mom when she was sick and my uncle was over and he picked me up and he said, 'Touch this,' and I touched the guitar, and my whole world opened up. I could hear angels calling my name, I swear."_

"_I think musicians are all insane. They don't listen well to the sensible side of them, and that's what drives them to do music, write it. I'm hoping that a lot of musicians were as outcasted as I was as a kid. My life was pretty much broadcasted to my entire community when I was a teenager. I'm trying to get that out of my adult life. But musicians are special, and are made for music."_

"_People thought that I was a bad person or that I was very much a delinquent when I broke the amplifier at one of my earlier shows. They didn't think of my issues as a person. I do music for my own sanity, not their enjoyment. Don't get me wrong, I do it for the fans as well, but, uh… that show- the particular day of the show, I was very tired and upset, and I hadn't gotten much sleep and I guess I just got very angry. Someone threw a water bottle at my head and I ducked and I screamed at him and I broke the amp with my guitar, and later on I apologized to the guy and he accepted the apology. He understood that I didn't mean to get mad at him. And when I came out as bipolar, the guy called me up and said, 'DUDE! I'm bipolar too!' and I was really pleased and surprised."_

"_When the public found out that I had a cocaine addiction, they treated me very badly. I remember being at a show and one person in the audience called me a 'wasteoid' or a 'waste of space' or something like that and I just told him that he needed to get out or I would call security and he tried to get onstage and hurt me and security was on it quick. I had a girl come up to me in the street and I was just walking my dog and she comes up to me and she says, 'If you expect people to like you after you just revealed you do cocaine, you're wrong. Everyone hates you.' I was really surprised, but I didn't get mad, I got that reaction for months and even years after I'd quit, from people like my friends or my family! I just looked at her and I said, 'Well, I'm sorry I can't be perfect, but go ahead and be mad at me, I don't care.' She was scared that I was going to actually get mad. But my real fans kept by me and I love them for that."_

"_What people think of my music, I don't care. I don't need major, record-making career moves. I just _want_ a career at all! People say they want my first album stuff back. I'm like… 'Um, I was twenty then… not as young now!'" _

"_I sometimes do miss it, yeah; I do miss the cocaine sometimes. I miss the rush, and the substitute for that sort of rush, is my fiancé, Ellie. She knows that I do miss the cocaine, and she slams my face into a wall every time I acknowledge that, but, um, yeah! She gets that I need her to get over those momentary lapses of judgment, when my body wants the cocaine but my brain—and Ellie—say no. I quit for her, and I stay off of it because of her." _

"_My dad was in a stressful situation, he kind of made his own life because he grew up in a poor household. He really did love me and wanted the best for me, but he had a mental problem that no one caught on to. Other than the disputes that my family had, I guess it was a very privileged childhood."_


End file.
